Test Pattern
by Minno68
Summary: Something about Dawn...
1. Prologue

None of the characters belong to me (unfortunately), they belong to someone else. I'm settled for using these characters out of fun and not making money.

This is not my first fanfiction, but my first in English (which isn't as good as it should be actually). Maybe I should have done it in my native language, but right now, OC isn't so popular in Germany. Besides I always thought of trying to do a story in English – and here it is. So if you read it, please be generous and read over the failures and nevertheless enjoy the story. Reviews are welcome. :-)

I know this is a short start, but there will be more. Right now I'm looking for a beta-reader. So if you feel like to give me a helping hand with grammar and vocabulary... please contact me. I would really appreciate it.

Sorry... I ment Prologue...tnx.

This story takes place during the first episode...

* * *

**TEST PATTERN**

**Prologue **

Although the TV was on, Dawn barely listen to the game show, her mind was bothered with something else. Only when she heard the winners fanfare, she looked up with empty eyes, not really seeing what was on, but knowing, that the guy finally got the jackpot. And she? She never had even won a consolation price, yet alone the jackpot, she was always drawing a blank. It wasn't necessarily bad luck, most of it was bad timing she assumed. The overhasty marriage, the kids, the bad jobs, the wrong friends... even playing Black Jack. She know quite well how to count cards and win a few bucks, but she wasn't able to quit in time - even she knew better - leaving her with less than before. That was the real problem - with gambling, her relationships, her drinking, her talking... An hour ago AJ went to the pub at the corner upset by her constant sobbing, since he forced Ryan to leave this afternoon – on her instance. This thought ripped into her heart. What had she done? Taking a sip of booze she broke into tears again. With AJ around, she had tried to pull herself together, but now she gives free rein to her tears. Here we're going again – winners and losers, Why the hell were the Atwoods always on the second side? Knocking back her drink at once, she waited for the comfort, Mr Southern usually promised her. She waited for this little click in her head, which made the difference between reality and something more bearable. She waited... while her thoughts were spinning through her head making the day events even more present. This time the booze didn't bring her the salvation she was looking for, this time it wasn't her friend, this time it was devil himself. Playing with the glass in her hands, she was starring vacantly in the brown liquid. Sometimes this happened, sometimes yet another sip would help... the bottle was only 2/3 empty... so maybe another 1/3 would bring what she longed for... she refilled her glass... and took a sip... the memories still troubling her mind...


	2. Picking up Ryan

Thanks for the reviews :) and I meant Prologue – sorry - don't know where I had my mind... 

so here's the next chapter... hope you like this kind of 'mind reading'...

By the way, does someone know what was exactly in the note Dawn left for Ryan? It's quite hard to read...

**

* * *

Picking up Ryan ...**

_**Unbelievable!**_

_UN_believable – only two small letters which turn this word into a lie. Predictable should have been the word, but it remained unsaid. To be honest I had known it deep in my heart – but who wants to be honest right now? Not in front of this man nor my son, not even to myself. Pretending I'm shocked by what happened is so much easier, than to admit, that I'm not surprised at all. I know quite well you're not a saint, even if I liked to believe else. It's only starting pouring down on you kiddo... believe it or not...

_**What kind of family I've got? **_

Drunkards, thugs, criminals… welcome to the Atwood family… if you can call this a family at all. A husband who's in jail for armed robbery, a son who's going to jail for carrying a gun and drugs while stealing a car and another son who was damn too close going down as well . This is no family, this is a mess. Admitting I'm part of it, is... uh... And they say my drinking is a problem? I guess I'm the only sane here. I try to care, but you make it so damn hard. I'm not a mess, I'm not like you. Don't know where you got it from, but not from me – maybe your dad, maybe your brother. Am I the one totally out of line or you? I know quite well, I'm not a perfect person, yet alone a perfect mother. To keep myself together isn't easy, to keep this family together is impossible. All you guys do is going to tear this family apart – with your brawls, the drugs, the guns, the crimes, the drinking... you're the last evidence Ryan... an evidence I didn't want to have, I didn't need. So... forgive me... forgive me for wanting to forget this little unimportant thing... this family is already torn apart indeed...

_**What the hell did I do to deserve this family? **_

It's not my fault, we're on welfare – my husband's in jail and I have two kids to raise. It's not my fault I was fired – the manger didn't like me and it was a miserable job with miserable payment anyway. It's not my fault, that I'm too drunk to get up to get to work in time – my boyfriend wanted to party, how could I say no? It's not my fault if there's no food in the fridge – I lost my driving license because of an overeager cop, how can I go shopping? It's not my fault my kids are lingering in the streets – they won't listen to me. It's not my fault. It's the damn welfare, paying that less, it's the postman, delivering all those invoices, it's the bank, not giving me any further credit, it's the job I don't like, it are my boyfriends and all the bad things they bring to my home. Name someone to blame and you're right. Name everyone and you won't be wrong, but don't blame me... not my fault... I'm only who I used to be... If this is my fault... then don't bother to tell me... because then... a thousand regrets would not be enough...

_**You wanna tell me that? **_

Spit it out! Tell me, why you let your brother talk you into this. Tell me, why you listen to him at all. Tell me why you stole that car. Tell me why you got into that shit. Tell me, why you rope me in. I already know the answer, but tell me nevertheless. You did, didn't you? You're accusing me. Not with words, but with your eyes – this blue, deep, sad eyes. Words where never your thing, you never talk much, but you could say more with one short glance, than thousand words would do. You're not moving your head, only your eyes... your looks can kill indeed... do you really think I didn't notice... you think I deserve where I am, because I messed up... tell you what... maybe I did... but I don't want to hear it again... not from you... not from anyone else... there are too many things I wish I didn't do...

_**You should have let rotten him. **_

You should have. We both know this kid is rotten to the core. Not worth the effort, not worth any effort - not yours, not mine. Hey, you're his attorney and it's your job, that's what they pay you for, but we both know where this kid will end, no matter if you have him out right now or not. No matter at all. Getting him out won't change a damn thing. He's still an Atwood, he still lives in Chino and he still means troubles right away and again. Maybe he was a good kid… once… but that won't change where he's going to… he comes straight out of juvie and it's only a matter of time, when he'll be back... They say he's smart. So why wasn't he smart enough not to get caught? Why wasn't he smart enough to stay out of juvie? He's not that smart not to listen to his brother. He's not that smart not to come after his father. He is not that smart to leave his fingers from booze, drugs, brawls and girls – he had plenty of it, even though he is only sixteen. I recommend a good crime police too if he's around. Do you really think that was the first time? Do you really think he's going to stop? For what? There's nothing for him out there and he knows it. By god, he knows it quite well and that's the way he's dealing with it. It's the way the Atwoods are dealing with it. Hell, that's the way half Chino is dealing with it. He learned one or two things about life and he had to learn it the hard way. Maybe he just have to learn one or two things more. Maybe juvie isn't the worst place on earth for him right now...

_**Just like his dads doing and just like his brother gonna. **_

Bad influence, that's what they call it. Oh yeah he is so much his dad. I don't think he is aware of this, but he is. He looks like him, he talks like him, he behaves like him. Trey has a string of convictions since childhood and it's a miracle to me how Ryan had managed to stay out of the records till now – again like his dad. Still waters run deep. Sooner than later he's going to end like him. That's what I have do deal with. I know I'm his mother and that I should sort out this mess. He is my son and I should care, help him, comfort him. But what can I do? I've tried my best with his dad and messed up. I tried again with Trey and lost. I set all my hope into Ryan and he let me down as well. Everything I'm touching turns into a mess. Me, my life, my kids, my husband... there's nothing left. How should I handle this? There's none there. None who cares about me, help me, comfort me... I don't have the strength to fight anymore... What I'm supposed to do?... I don't know, I really don't know…

_**Lets go Ryan!**_

It's over. You are off the hook - for this time. I won't say thanks to your attorney, because there's nothing to be thankful for. I know I'll see him or one of his kind soon enough again. I only want to go home now. I need cigarette and maybe... another drink would do fine...

_**Now Ryan!**_

I already said to much. My heads killing me. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the way this guy is looking at me. I know what he's thinking. He looks at me and thinks he knows everything. He thinks it's no big surprise this boy messed up, with a messed up mother like me, but he's wrong. I had only a bad day today. AJ lost nearly 300 bucks while gambling yesterday, I got up with a terrible hang over and when I called in sick, this liar of a manager affirmed that it would be the fourth time in a fortnight and fired me. The next call didn't cheer me up either. That's why I'm here - picking up my son. Believe me, that day wasn't exactly fun, so forgive me for looking a little battered... I am...

_**Let's go!**_

I think you noticed that I'm more than pissed off. Stop talking to this bastard of a lawyer and come on. He can't help you. There's nothing more to say. So don't strike roots and get your ass in the damn car... my hands shaking... I need to go... something is waiting for me at home... something to steady my hands... and hopefully calming my mind...


	3. Homecoming

Thanks for the reviews... they really convinced me:)  
...so don't blame me for continuing... ;)

I know, it's not my best chapter... but I guess Dawns mind's not so clear this afternoon... ;)

* * *

**_Homecoming_**

**_I can't do this anymore Ryan._**  
It's too much for me right now…  
You...  
Trey...  
AJ...  
My job...  
Me getting fired...  
My head killing me…  
Still...  
Fucking hangover...  
You're fucking shitty behavior...  
I'm disappointed…  
By you…  
By me...  
You messed up...  
Again...   
I need time...  
I need a drink...  
I can't work it out…  
I can't handle this…  
I need time to get one more drink...  
Better two…  
To think over this...  
To get over it…  
I need a cigarette...  
I need to bury a few things…  
Maybe a further drink...  
Maybe my hopes I set in you...  
Maybe my life...  
Maybe your life…  
Hey kiddo, do you even have a clue, what you've done to me…  
I lost your father...  
This was hard enough...  
I'm loosing your brother..  
I'm losing you...  
I'm losing everything...  
Piece by piece...  
There's nothing left...  
Only a stale aftertaste I can't get rid off...  
It hurts Ryan...  
It hurts more than everything...  
My world's tumbling down...  
And all I can do is watching doless...  
You won't be there to pick up what's left...  
It's something I must live with everyday...  
And I can't do it...  
Not anymore...

**_I can't._**  
My life sucks...  
I'm on a highway to hell...  
Nothing gonna stop this...  
Maybe it's your fault...  
Maybe AJ...  
Maybe the drinking...  
Maybe the past...  
I tried...  
I failed...  
I tried harder...  
I failed again...  
I'm tiered...  
I'm so alone...  
I need something...  
Everything...  
Whatever will take me out of this shit...  
Whatever will make it more bearable...  
I need a cigarette...  
I need a drink...  
I need some pills...  
Maybe then...  
Hell…  
That's where I am...  
I'd like to scream...  
At you...  
At the world...  
Only scream to hear nothing else anymore  
As this might change anything  
Or at least give me back some sanity...

**_I want you out of my house._**  
Stop looking at me like that…  
I hate this uncertain accusing glances...  
As if I'm your problem...  
As if from my hands comes your harm...  
Shit the glass is empty...  
Again...  
I can't look at you...  
You show me a truth I'm not ready to face...  
Not yet...  
You're terrified by a few simple words?  
Me too...  
It's the first time I'm deadly serious about it...  
And you know it...  
Your eyes are like a mirror...  
I don't like what I see...  
What I've become  
What you've become...  
Don't accuse me...  
You let me down..  
Not the other way..  
Maybe if you leave everything will be right back to normal...  
Maybe I can pretend this didn't happened  
Maybe I can pretend you are not my son...  
Are…  
Were...  
Fuck...  
Whatever…  
Not my business anymore…  
At least I pretend...  
Pretending that my life is normal...  
That's what I do best...

**_I want you out._**  
Now you're sorry...  
Now it's to late...  
It wasn't me stealing the damn car…  
It wasn't me getting into juvie…  
Take it out somewhere else…  
Take it out on someone else…  
It's not my problem…  
Not anymore…  
You're old enough…  
Not my responsibility…  
Not my mess…  
Not this time…  
Not my fault…  
Not at all…  
Go…  
Leave…  
I don't mind where are you going to...  
You have enough friends...  
Give them a hard time...  
Maybe they have a bed for you...  
Maybe that is, where you're welcome...  
But not here...  
After what you've done...  
You're not my son...  
Not anymore...

**_AJ don't._**  
AJ don't.  
Ray don't.  
Steve don't.  
Dad don't.  
Don't…  
That's all I ever say...  
Don't...  
That's the magical word...  
That's what make me feel better...  
I do something to protect my kids!  
What else can I do?  
I can't step in between my boyfriends and my kids...  
Not when it's going down to a beating...  
I'm too weak...  
Don't...  
And then I'll pour myself another drink...  
And then I'll close my eyes and mind...  
Nothing wrong is happening...  
There were worse times...  
Worse places...  
Worse men...  
Why talk, if a slap in the face does the job?  
It's ok, isn't it?  
My dad...  
AJ...  
My boyfriends...  
They couldn't be wrong, could they?  
Don't...  
Kids need a beating from time to time!  
Don't...  
I hear me...  
Fighting back my tears...  
Not fighting back the fist...  
Not fighting back the pain...  
Don't...  
It never stopped only one of them...  
Certain things simply happens...  
Nothing I can do...  
Accept...  
Life is a bitch...  
They tear my world apart...  
Left me with a single word on my mind...  
My refuge...  
My frustration...  
My dullness...  
My fury...  
My helplessness...  
My hope...  
My inability...  
DON'T!

**_Ryan just get out._**  
One step too far...  
One word too much.  
Go...  
Go before AJ gets upset...  
You know how he could be...  
Don't talk back...  
Don't put him on the edge...  
Go...  
Please...  
Get out...  
Leave...  
I don't want you to be hurt...  
Still...  
You can come back...  
Maybe tomorrow...  
Maybe the day after…  
Maybe in a week...  
But for now...  
Just get out…  
Let things settle down...  
Tomorrow will be a another day...  
Tomorrow then...  
Maybe...


	4. Test Pattern

Tnx for the review, it's really convincing :) ... Btw, I like my last chapter, so no worries... but I guess I'll never be really happy with a chapter... reading it a dozen times, I always find something to change for the better... ;) **

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Test Pattern**

When Dawn woke up, an awkward continuous tone filled the room. She opened her eyes, only to find out that the world was turning a little too fast for her stomach. Hastily she closed her eyes again, in the hope to avoid puking – but it was already to late. She didn't care – there were enough old stains on the floor already, so a new one wouldn't stand out. After a few minutes she was ready to give it a second try. This time the world seemed more steady. Disoriented and still drunk she worked hard to sit upright on the couch, not sure if her head was still in one piece and her stomach was fine with it.

"AJ?" she asked with a croaking voice, but got no answer. So AJ hadn't returned from the pub yet. The chance was great he found someone else to cheer him up tonight – but she didn't mind. She wasn't exactly a jealous person, as she expected her boyfriends not to be. Exhausted she looked around and finally found out, where this horrible sound came from. The TV was still running, but the game show was now replaced by test pattern. Which freak had the idea to send a test pattern? she asked herself, holding her head. Who to hell wants to see this shit at all? Everyone hates this boring, useless, agonizing test pattern, which was more than lulling at the same time. The penetrating tone didn't help to ease her headache. So why couldn't she take her eyes from this fucking test pattern?

Maybe because the last time she was starring at the test pattern, she made the decision to move from Fresno to Chino for a start over. She had promised her boys and herself a better life. For the first few weeks it really seemed to work out, even the new house was a dump and the job wasn't good either. Then she started to date Ray... She don't know how, but taking a bunch of hundred men – she was going to pick out the biggest ass at once. Ray was no exception. That was her kind of luck. The faces of her boyfriends changed from time to time, but the thing that never changed was the violence which came with them. Only a sip she told herself, after Ray had given her a beating. Only a sip to stop the pain. When she had woken up, lying in her own vomit, the first thing she had seen was the empty container of booze right in front of her... here we go again...

"Ryan!" she called her son for help. It was always Ryan who helped her to her feet and cleaned her mess. His reproachful, disappointed but mainly resigned silence, was something she could handle or at least - ignore. "Ryan!" she shouted out louder. "Where the hell are you?" And than she remembered... Ryan... he wasn't here this time and she didn't know, if he ever would come back...

_AJ had given Ryan a good deal of a beating today, as he had done too many times before. Under different circumstances Ryan would have known better, than talking back to AJ, let alone grabbing him. But today he was more frightened and upset about her, throwing him out, than by AJs short temper. AJ wasn't the man to let such an assault rest. He knows quite well how to handle disrespect and that was nothing Dawn dared to interfere. For the world outside, AJ left Ryan with some red bruises on his cheek. But underneath his clothes was different world - a world Ryan learned to hide well. Beneath some prints of AJs heavy boots, he had marked Ryan with quite a few ugly weals using his broad leather belt – a little reminder for this godforsaken good-for-nothing piece of shit, as AJ likes to call him. She had tried to lighten a cigarette with shaky hands, as an helpless attempt to ignore the sounds of the beating which was going on in the boys room. She wasn't blessed with luck. Cursing the broken lighter, she had angrily thrown it across the kitchen followed by the cigarette and had poured herself another drink as replacement. When was the last time she saw Trey or Ryan without bruises, cuts, a black eye or - even worse - broken bones? Sometimes she wasn't sure, if she ever had. The sudden silence had caught her of guard, but had filled her with a strange kind of relieve at the same time. Ryan seemed lucky today. Usually AJ wouldn't have let him off that easy, but the chance to threw Ryan out, apparently soften him. At least it was over, she thought eased. AJs grim voice filled the little house, telling Ryan that he could stay if he likes - only to get more - or that he has exactly a minute to grab his stuff and leave. Ryan didn't even bother to look at her, when he left the house in a hurry - his head bent down, his eyes on the ground – defeated. A beaten up boy – her boy - with the devil on this back– his whole life fitting in a small backpack – and nothing she could do.  
"Go to hell!" AJ had shouted, before he had slammed the door shut behind Ryan and strolled into the kitchen. "AJ, this wasn't necess..." He slapped her into the face.  
"Shut up. A little late for playing mother... be happy we got rid of this troublesome little bastard." he hold her while tears running silently down her face. She opened her mouth to talk back, but his fist closed it wordless, sending her to the ground. The glass in her hands shattered on the floor. "Stop crying!" he yelled at her, kicking her with his boot. "You should have send him packing months ago!"  
"AJ, please... don't..." Dawn cried.  
"Shut up fucking bitch!" he shouted, still kicking her. "You wanted him out! I threw him out! I did you a fucking favor, so stop crying right now or I give you a real reason to do so." Dawn tried to hold back her tears. She knew quite well that what had happened to Ryan could easily happen to her – it wouldn't be the first time either. And AJ was really pissed off...  
"I'm sorry" she finally managed to whisper, not sure if she had said it to AJ, Ryan or actually to herself..._

The longer she looked at it, the more maddening it got. You have to be nuts, starring at the test pattern, she told herself. Test pattern. Slowly some crazy kind of realization crossed her foggy mind. Test pattern... monotone... useless... boring... hated... meaningless... nothing... Tears filled her eyes, because for the first time, she saw a truth she had long pushed away. That's what her life was – just test pattern. The movies were long gone, only the test pattern was left behind. She hated her house, her boyfriends, her family, her life... herself... She didn't know how she could have borne it that long. But now she could run from it... her husband, Trey, Ryan, they were all gone... it seemed a thousand years ago... no responsibilities anymore... nothing left... no regrets... now she was free. There has to be something else - even for her. Last time she tried to start over it went terribly wrong, but this time she was not gonna let this happen. This time she was not gonna spend a second thought. This time this was her break – her last opportunity, a small one, but at least a chance. She would leave this town, start over somewhere else - New friends, a new job, a nice flat, not bound to a family, abusive boyfriends or booze anymore. She would leave without taking anything with her, leaving her past like her stuff behind. She really wanted to make a fresh start. Not in a week, not tomorrow, but tonight! A strange feeling truckled down her spin and it took her a little to find out that it was fear. She was not afraid of a new start – she knew she could make it. This fear was different – she was frighted, that it could be already to late if she didn't do it right now. The fear grew into panic. She wasn't an euphoric person, but if it hits her, there was not much to stop her... the promise of a new life and everything what still lies before her, gave her new spirits. All she longed for was getting out of here – as fast as possible. She got up in a rush and hurried straight to the door, cursing the furniture and wast, she was stumbling across and slowing her down. Outside she took a deep breath, the world started to turn around again, but she didn't mind. She felt down the short stair, but hastily struggled on her feet again and then she began to run – her old life like the devil on her back. She didn't dare to look back, she didn't dare to stop... She was going to change these fucking test pattern into a fucking movie again...


	5. The Note

Tnx for the review... as always very convincing :)

I know I stuck quite closely to Dawns text passages during the last chapters, but I couldn't find out, what was on that note, so I made my own version. Hope you like it...

**

* * *

The Note**

Someone hoiked her not very gentle. "Hey" a nameless voice screamed. "It's half past five and we're closing." She looked confused at first, but realized a little later were she was. Slowly she left the bar. Hell, that was a long night, but as it seems not all to bad. She was still able to be on her feet without any help and that would mean something, even if she had no clue how she got here. Blackouts weren't knew to her and she doesn't care anyway. On the way home the world was turning around her. Home, sweet home she thought deflated, when the house came in sight. At the same time a strange feeling startled her that something was wrong, but she couldn't figure out what it was. The door was open. Fucking AJ, couldn't even close the door… this useless drunk. Didn't he know, this was an invitation for every thief here in town – hell, this was Chino. But anyhow, there was nothing in this shitty shack that was worth stealing, she calmed herself. When she stepped inside, a continuous tone filled the room and the TV was still rushing – test pattern again. At once the memories where back. It wasn't only the he stench of her vomit, none had clean up, which made her choking. She wasn't supposed to be here again, she thought horrified. She was supposed to start over. Why to hell had her start over ended straight in a bar? She had not the faintest idea. "Great start over!" She muttered. "Really great." Was she lying to herself again, as she had too many nights before? How often had she promised herself a new life? How often had she made it not further than to the fridge only to pick up a new bottle? Her eyes stopped on the half filled glass on the table and she went over and knocked it down at once. Angry she looked at the glass in her hands. Was this shit making the decisions for her now? Not this time! Not again! Not this time! Out of a sudden fury she barely understand she dashed the glass towards the TV which shattered with a loud bang. And then there was silence – no test pattern, no awkward tone, nothing. Only lovely silence, which was filled slowly with her diffident chuckles. The chuckles turned into lunatic laughters. It took her some time to calm down. Tears were running down her cheeks, but this time the weren't caused by pain or self-pity, this time it was defiant relief. She hurried into her room, picked up a battered suitcase and throw randomly clothes in it. She had to hasten, so she would be away before AJ – or worse – Ryan would be back . By the thought of her son, she stopped a moment, but then shrugged and continued packing. He made his own choice already. Nothing she had to care about anymore. She looked around, picked up the phone and made a call. An hour later everything was packed. Three hours later the house was totally empty. The furniture and everything else which didn't fit into the suitcase or her purse was gone. Neither AJ nor Ryan had returned yet - fortunately. She took it as a sign that she was doing the right thing. Her view slid through the deserted house. Out of nothing the picture of Ryan crossed her mind, as he left the house yesterday – a house he could or maybe should never return to. If she had thought, there weren't any obligations left, now a faint hint of conscience reminded her of the last one – Ryan. She didn't know where to find him and if he would come back at all. But if, she should say 'good bye' at least. Waiting was not an option, that was for sure. Would a note do the job? What else could she do? A note would save her from his sad eyes and his reproachful glance, it would save her from dealing with him in person. She feared, she couldn't make it. Was she wrong? Was what she intended to do wrong? Her mind told her no, but something deep inside her wasn't too sure about that. It was only a thin low voice, which was drowned out by the gurgling sink alone. A note would be OK she decided on the spot. She looked around, but no clean sheet of paper was handy. The only thing she found was a little piece of white fabric in one of the cupboards. As good as paper she guessed. She searched her purse for a pen, picked finally a red lip liner and started to write.

**Dear Ryan,**

_I have no clue what to say to you - no clue at all.  
There isn't much to say if you're starting over.  
Maybe you'll call it running away – but I'm not.  
I want to say sorry – but I'm not.  
I want to say I'm loving you – but I'm not… sure.  
I want to say I'm missing you – but I'm not… not now.  
Maybe later.  
Maybe we are both better off.  
I'm your mom - and I'm not.  
You deserve better – or worse.  
But this will be your choice then.  
Nothing you can blame on me.  
I don't know if leaving makes any difference to you.  
Am I abandoning you?  
Maybe.  
Maybe not.  
How can I abandon someone I never really had?  
Maybe we never meant to be together.  
Maybe you're just another mistake.  
I'm leaving you a note.  
A note.  
Just or at least?  
Am I a coward?  
Am I selfish?  
Am I evil?  
I even don't know anymore if good and evil exists at all.  
I don't know anymore what is the difference between success and failure.  
I don't know who made the fucking rules for this fucking game.  
All I knew is that I can't do this anymore…_

Ten minutes later she was still starring at the two single words she had written till now. The red color on the white fabric seemed like blood - maybe it was. Words weren't her thing – not if truth was involved. Frustrated she throw the fabric away. A drink would suit fine right now. 'Hey, you are starting over', she reminded herself, 'so no drinks.' If she wanted to start over, she had to make clean cuts. Ryan was the last loose end... failure... son... whatever... Looking on the fabric on the floor, she gave it a second thought. If she hasn't to say anything else to him, she owed him at least the facts. With a sigh she picked up the fabric.

**I can't do this anymore.  
Don't bother to look for your stuff, it's past – like everything else.  
**

With this everything was said. Reading it again she couldn't believe that so few words could hold a whole life. She hesitated for a moment. The lip liner was on the paper again, ready to finish her farewell. After this he would hate her anyway. She wouldn't be his Mom anymore - if she ever was. She would sign it with Dawn - Dawn should be OK she suggested. Stuff it! She made the first vertical stroke for the D and hesitated again. She couldn't do it. She knew she would hurt him – but not this way. She still had a heart, she still was his…

**Mom**  
**PS: Take care kid.**

She left the note on the kitchen counter public for everyone who came in... like a confession – her confession. As she walked from the house, she didn't look back – there was no need to do so. A clean cut, that's what she wanted. But the cut run deep and nothing prepared her for the pain which came with it…


	6. Starting OVER!

I know, quite some time passed since my last chapter...I'm really sorry... so I hope you enjoy this one...  
and if you are happy with me, please make me happy and leave a review... :)  
If you are not, a review is also welcome, so I can do better next time...

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**Starting... OVER!**

"**That machine ate my change!" complained the fat woman.**  
Really, you stupid bitch? I don't mind. I don't mind at all. As if I care, what happens to your change. You're upset because of a few quarters? Hey, ask me. Your few fucking quarters are my least problem right now. I was supposed to start over! Now look at me - would you call this starting over? I'm working twelve hour shifts on minimum wages in this shitty laundry to get at least my sleazy little motel room paid. Just great, isn't it? Couldn't think of a better premise for a fresh start. But indeed... there are worse premises - Corona isn't by no means that far from Chino, as I would have liked it. But with only 300 bucks in my pocket I haven't much choice, have I? 300 bucks, that's what I got, when I sold my past. Okay I fess up, it wasn't exactly my past... stuff, but hell, how cares? He was freeloading off me for so long, so there's nothing wrong with a little compensation – I guess. Not that he's going to accept this as an excuse... but... his stuff is sold, so what? Only another guy on a long list of people I'm not eager to see in the near future. Maybe this wasn't my best idea, but I was drunk and stoned and frustrated and pissed and... what ever... Maybe this machine has eaten your change lady, but there's someone out there who is going to eat me alive if he can lay his hands on me. I only can try to keep my head down and hope that his interest in me isn't that strong. 300 bucks aren't enough... it'll never be enough to get out of this.

"**Okay, okay. That one's always broken." replied Dawn with shirty friendliness.**  
Maybe you didn't notice, but this isn't some high class laundry – 'lady'. So what do you expect? There's not a single machine which isn't broken in one or another way. Too bad for that you choose the one, which is always broken. Bad luck? Fate? Coincidence? Call it what ever you want, but I call it life. But I tell you what – live hasn't given me any chance. I'm not like this damn machine over there, which is always broken – no, I'm like you, I'm only making wrong decisions... sometimes... It's good to see it's not me, getting the bad part of it, for a change. Maybe I'm not good in making choices and maybe most of them suck, but it isn't because of my lack of good intentions. Somehow things never work out for me. Or, as other would say – I'm not able to work things out. They say, that everytime someone gives me a try, I let him down, everytime there's a new chance, I fuck up. But hell, the don't know how wrong the are - because I can work out... now and then... or at least I pretend...

"**Here you go." said Dawn and gave her some coins. "Try the next one over."**  
Because that it, how it works. If I can't handle it anymore, I walk away and try something else. It's so simple when everything else is complicated, it's so easy when everything else costs too much effort. Partly that's why I'm changing my boyfriends like my clothes. Sometimes they were shit indeed, taking only my money and spending it without a second thought about me or what it took me to get it. The only thing they returned were a few comforting moments for me compared to a hell of beatings for me but mostly my sons. But sometimes there were quite good guys as well if I had only tried a little more. But I had neither the strength nor the patient to deal with them. I know my faults pretty well, but it wasn't up to them to rub my nose in it. So I walked away and looked for another one – a easier one with less need for self-maintenance, someone who didn't care... and be assured there is always a next one. And don't think I'll spent another thought about them – I never did. So, here you go lady, feel free to try another one, see, if the next one will work. That's what I do all the time – and it works... more or less... or not at all...

"**Dawn Atwood?" a man asked.**  
I'm turning around hearing my name. My heart misses a beat when my eyes met his. I'm not prepared to meet him here. Everything in me is in a urge to run – to run as fast as I could, but I'm frozen by merely his sight. I thought I always feared most that AJ would show up, with concentrated hate and a raised fist. But now my fears became flesh and blood in the way I never expected them to. It's his friendly smile which scares the shit out of me. Because suddenly I know, that what he will bring is worse, than AJ ever could be. I could have dealt with AJs anger, but I don't know how to fight this tiny little voice which is rising in the deepest corner of my soul. Like an avenging angel this handsome man shows me a truth, which I never wanted to admit or even exist. And as hard as I'm trying to hold it back, bad conscience, is crushing over me like a wave and drowning me in its depths.

"**Sandy Cohen." the man introduced himself. "Ryan's attorney."**  
No need for an introduction, smart ass. Even I have seen you only for this few rage filled moments a week ago, I recognized you immediately. Maybe I was drunk, but definitely not that drunk as I liked to be. Definitely not too drunk to forget you or this fucking little episode ... Because if, I wouldn't be so nervous. A drink – that's what I need now. One week without was definitely to long... because if I would be drunk by now, you would leave me alone. You would see that I'm of no use. But I'm not drunk – fuck... so I have to deal with you. But I don't know how. Maybe if I ignore you, you'll go away. Maybe if I don't show any interest, you give up. So I look down at my hands, which are grabbing the box firm and try to hide their shaking.

"**I'd love to talk to you." he continued after a short hesitation.**  
I bet you do – but I don't. So what is your unasked visit about? Should I prepare for the worst? Are you going to bring me down, because I... abandoned him? NO, that's not what I've done! I see it in your face that you think otherwise, but I haven't done 'that'. I don't know what Ryan has told you, but I know, he hasn't told you about me – he never will. He knows my flaws by heart, he knows I'm not a perfect person – but I'm still family and he'll understand. He always did. He knows I'm of no use for him anymore. He is old enough to get himself in troubles – he is old enough to face the music. He don't need me, and I'm sure he don't want me - like Trey denied me when I tried to visit him... the jail guards words still hurts like hell...

"**I can't talk." she snapped at him.**  
Or to be honest, I'm sick of talking. Talking about things means I have to think about them and that's nothing I'd like to do. Because then I have to ask myself if I was wrong or right. Because then I have to judge myself. I didn't know I was wrong when I left a week ago and I don't want to know it now, even that may be the truth. Did you know he's haunting me in my dreams? That he's torturing me every night? That I can still hear is disbelieving question. _But Mom, where am I gonna go?_ And every time I'm giving him the same answer. I want you out of my house. I want you out of my life. You see, I already talked to much and nothing good came out of it. I can't help him and I'm not sure if I want to... because he's going down... he failed, because I failed him in the first place. I don't like to admit this, but it's true. You got me, huh? It's not that I'm going to tell your or anyone about that. This will remain unsaid, only buried by a drink – make it two or three or how many are necessary. That's my little hiding place - welcome and hated at the same time...

"**This stupid thing's stuck." she blustered.**  
...this fucking machine, my life, simply everything. I'm running in circles and no matter how fast I run, I'm still stuck here – in this shitty place, in this shitty life. It's like trying another machine in a third class laundry where the chances are good it might be broken as well. I'm like this coin – neither able to move forward nor back. I tried to start over – really to start over, but I'm stuck in the same problems again. Why did you miss to tell me, that I can't run from myself...

"**It'll only take a couple of minutes." he tried to convince her.**  
That's a good one! As if a couple of minutes can change anything! I tried to put my past where it belongs - in the past - and you have nothing better to do than to blow it right back into my face. Fuck you! I won't let this happen. Go to hell with your talking. I don't want to hear it. I'm done – no matter what. I turn around, to tell him to hit the road, but somehow I snagged on this stupid box and a few dozen coins spread themselves jingling on the floor.

"**Damn it." Dawn growled.**  
Everything is going to pieces, even this stupid box is conspiring against me. I'm crawling the floor - thankful for this welcomed distraction and angry for the missed opportunity to get away from him. My hands are still shaking, while I try to pick up the change. Every time I get hold of a coin it slips through my unsteady fingers and I have to try hard to bite back angry tears of frustration. Eventually I loose the fight with keeping my straight face. I'm kneeling in front of you like a penitent, with tears in my eyes. Not able to face you, I'm starring at your expensive shoes. You stand there – firm as a rock and I realize, that you're not going to give up. Please go, go away, the little girl in me is pleading. Go and take the conscience you brought, with you. Leave me alone in my misery. I know I was wrong, but I can't speak it out loud. So why can't you just leave? I'm like a deer you caught in your spot light and even I can see what's going to hit me, I can't run. He's only a job for you, but a son to me. So why do you care, when I can't, why do you try, when I gave up? You do what I never could and that's wrong so terribly wrong. You're not going to leave until you finished your business with me, are you? If I can't get away from this, I do what I always do, I pretend that I'm dealing with it. So I sit back and look up to you with pathetic eyes, because there is one thing you can't take from me – because pity is my strongest weapon...

"**How is he?" she asked whiny-voiced.**  
Strange, huh? I shouldn't be the one asking, I should be the one knowing the answer, because I'm his Mom. But I'm not sure if I care about or not? It didn't a week ago. My words don't convince me, but I can see, they convince you. I know quite well, that this was what you expected me to ask. I can see it in your eyes and in your smile. You think it's not to late and that we can sort this out in some miraculous way. I know what I should have done and didn't. I know what I haven't done and should do now. But... there's still this little 'but'... As easy it was to walk away, as much harder it is to come back. Not because I hurt him, he should be used to it by now. Not because I know quite well that he isn't. Not because of the pain I saw too often in his eyes. But because of the truth, that cuts through my soul. I miss the girl I was once and I hate the woman I became. I hate the way I couldn't take care for myself and least of all for others. I hate so many things. I failed – not him, but me. Let's face it, my life is a gathering of gambled away chances – literally. And he... he is only one of them...

"**Why don't we grab a cup of coffee and talk about it?" the man offered in a friendly manner.**  
I could do with something stronger than coffee. Hell, I'm trapped. Between you, the law, my son and maybe my conscience. I'll play along... for now... Why? Because I don't want you to see what I see in me. Because as long as I pretend otherwise it's not official that I fucked up. Maybe I'm doing this for Ryan. He was my hope... and maybe he still is, even if I'm going to loose him. I miss him already, I hate him for what he did and I still love him... somehow. So... just tell me he's doing fine. Just tell me, he's not angry at me. Just tell me... tell me what ever you want... even if you tell me lies... even if your words are the most frightened thing I ever heard... just tell me about him and I will listen... that's what you expect me to do... because as long as I listen, I can pretend...


End file.
